


The Journal of Dread and Desire

by Salrose



Series: Macy's Journal [2]
Category: Charmed (TV 2018)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-30
Updated: 2019-11-30
Packaged: 2021-02-24 16:21:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21620875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Salrose/pseuds/Salrose
Summary: Macy write journal entries about her complicated feelings about Harry. Set in s2 Ep. 1-6.
Relationships: Harry Greenwood/Macy Vaughn
Series: Macy's Journal [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1549984
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	The Journal of Dread and Desire

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for those who kudos and commented on Journal of Denial. It motivated me to write this.

**Journal Entry 168**

  
**Day 1 of Witchness Protection**

Oh man. I don't even know where to start. This day has been completely insane and life alterting. I almost died. Harry did die and come back to life. My sisters and I were attacked by an assassin and he even shot me. I don't even know how to process all of this. The dart that the assassin shot me with made me delirious. It caused me to hear Harry's voice and I saw him but he was different. There was a wild energy about him. It thrilled me and excited me. There was something so different about him though. I don't know I guess it was just my delirious dying mind where it showed my fantasy version of Harry. I suppose my fantasy guy would be a little edgier than Harry normally is. Like a Gideon like Harry. Although, it's not the first the time I fantascized about Harry. Those other fantasies were different. I would dream about Harry and me on the window seal after one of our talks making out. Or us dancing in the attic while wearing that red dress Harry likes. This was different. He was different but I liked it? I don't know I was delerious and almost dying. When I woke up because the real Harry healed me, I was so utterly relieved that my Harry was alive and well. I don't know what I would do without him. Now we're uprooted. Apparently the Elders made a safe guard if the Book of Shadows got destroyed. Now we're living in Seatle. We are apparently under Witchness Protection and have a choice to live normal lives. That is not an option for me. There is a war that is starting that we discovered. Witches are in danger and it is up to us to save them. Everything has changed and is different now. So it is safe to say I won't be taking that dream job. That feels so far away and frivilous now. My reasons for wanting to leave weren't only about living a normal life. I suppose I could find some type of science lab around here if I really wanted to use that offer of living a normal life. I couldn't do that. I do not want to do that. When Harry made me leave through the portal while he fought the assassin, I was so afraid. I could have lost him so many times but he came back. l can't go back living in denial about my feelings for him. They are there but it doesn't matter. We have more important things to worry about. At least Harry was able to magically bring our house here and we have our semblance of home. Now we just have to work together to save these witches who are in danger. But we can do it together as the power of four.

**Journal Entry 169**

**Day 2 of Witchness Protection**

So I dreamed about Harry. It was not my Harry. He was different like before when I was delerious. He was uh...inticing and seductive.  
He told me that he wanted us to be together. He told me that we are destined to be together. I usually roll my eyes at talk about people being destined to be together and soulmates. It is not exactly logical. When he said it though, I wanted it to be true. I almost slipped and kissed him. He was so close and it felt so real. I knew that we couldn't be together, there were too many complications but I really wanted it. He removed my sleeve and he took my breath away. His lips were inches away from mine and I was aching for him to move closer. I wanted him so badly. I should've known that he was not my Harry. My Harry would never be that bold. My Harry...would be more...I don't know how he would be...it is likely that he would never...I know we are ignoring what I heard in his head for a reason. Whatever he feels for me, I know nothing will happen, which is good. There are more important things to worry about right now. The Safe Space doesn't open yet. So I have some time to myself before we can use the command center to help a witch in danger. Just talking to Harry this morning was awkward after having the dream about him but not him. It also was strange since we usually talk and are open about what is going on with us. He couldn't sleep either. There was something about the assassin that has him shaken. I know he is keeping something from me and my sisters. I suppose he will tell us when he is ready. I figured that my dream must have been a side effect from the poisined dagger that nearly killed me. I know I should tell Harry and my sisters but I need to figure this out first. Could this assassin be manipulating my dreams based on my own desires? Or is it something else entirely? I don't know. I just need to figure it out.

**Journal Entry 170**

**Day 2.5 of Witness Protection**

I know I already wrote an entry today but I need to write some more. So Harry and I talked about my dream and figured that yes he is the assassin. Harry thinks he must be a shapeshifter or something. I'm not so sure about that. The thing Harry was hiding was that he saw the assassin's face. When we had to pose as demons he got me to admit why seeing him act all dark and sexy reminded me of the dream. It was awkward as hell, but I'm glad I told him about it. This way we know the assassin is out there and looks like Harry. I wish I didn't tell Harry how seductive this imposter was. I didn't look up to see Harry's expression. I knew it would hurt him. Why did I tell him that? I guess I am so used to opening up to Harry. I can't help but be honest with him. When I tried to keep it in about my dream in the car Harry could sense something was wrong. So I was honest with him. Now we have to worry about the assassin that looks like Harry. That is a major problem but not as terrible that it could be though. Since, I know Harry. All of my looking and staring at him is going to finally come in handy. I know the way Harry looks at me. It is different than this imposter. I told Harry that all I need is a look and it is true. I looked deep into his sea blue eyes and I just knew that was him. That is what I did at the club. It worked. I knew it was him. I told him all I needed was a look. I showed him that if we just stood eye to eye, than I would know. I may have let that moment get a little too intense than I normally would allow. With the way we were staring at each other I wanted to kiss him so much but I didn't. I was strong. We both are strong in that regard. We are going to need that strength in this war to save these witches.

**Journal Entry 171**

**Day 3 of Witchness Protection**

I decided that Not Harry is an asshole. Well he is the assassin who tried kill me and my sisters. He even actually killed Harry. I'm unbelievably grateful that Harry miraculously came back. So of course Not Harry is an asshole for that. But he is also an asshole for the fact that I can't freaking sleep because of him. What a jerk. After everything that happened yesterday I was exhausted. After I wrote in my journal I fell asleep. My dream was basically normal. It was of me gettting the nobel prize for an amazing scientific discovery. Then Harry showed up in a tux and he looked daper. He was so hansome. Then we were dancing at a big ball and then suddenly the scenary changed and we were so close and his hands were all over my body. My dress changed from a classy blue sequin dress to a black sultry sleeveless dress that didn't leave much to the imagination. He moved close to my ear and whispered in my ear telling me how ravishing I looked and what he wanted to do to me. The tux changed into a silk black shirt with the first three buttons undone showing parts of his chest. It did give me the urge undo the rest of his buttons. Then I snapped out of it. This was not my Harry. Ugh. I pushed him off of me. Then he smirked and asked, "What's the matter Macy?"  
I backed away even further.   
"You're not Harry."  
"I thought you liked me different Macy."  
Then I backed away and woke up. So needless to say I have not been sleeping. I've been drinking lots and lots espressos to keep me awake. I just need to get to the bottom of this. Then I can finally sleep.

**Journal Entry 172**

**Day 4**  
So I tried to sleep again. I thought maybe if I took a sleep aide it would help me get a dreamless sleep. It did not work. My dream started as a memory. It was when I was trying out dresses for an event for work. I bought two different dresses because I still couldn't decide between the navy blue dress or the red dress. I don't know what I was thinking the red dress was too bold. When I tried it on in my room I looked at it in the full length mirror. I smoothed out the dress and put my hands up and down my hips. It clung to all of the curves of my body. It showed off my bare left shoulder. I examined all of the details of it. I realized I probably ended up buying it because it made me feel good. It brought out this confidence in me that made me excited. While I was admiring it in the mirror Harry had knocked on the door. I told him to come in. When I turned to him his mouth had dropped and his eyes widened. His eyes were fixated on me and at the curves that my dress had accented. I could tell that is what he was looking at and it thrilled me. Then he gulped. I stumbled over my words of asking him how I looked. Flustered, he told me I looked good. His cheeks turned crimson for a moment. I was a bit shocked that I had gotten such a reaction from my White Lighter. In that moment I wanted to know more. I wanted him to come further into the room. I wanted to see just how much he liked it. I wanted him to feel the dress. I wanted to know what the sensation of his hands going over the dress felt like. I wanted to know what it would feel like to have his hands on my body. But I immediately shut down those thoughts and I felt a burst of guilt for even having those thoughts. That was while I was with Gavin and Harry was with Charity. I was getting ready for a date I was going to have with Gavin. I ended up not picking that dress for the event. I felt guilty about wearing it on a date with Gavin when Harry had looked at me like that and when it led to such dirty thoughts of him. I never wrote those thoughts in my journal because it would be an admitance of a real attraction for Harry. My dream was how that memory started but it changed. Harry went into my room and I asked his help with my zipper. Then he trailed his fingers over the dress searching for the zipper with his fingers. He was behind me while I still looked in the mirror. I leaned my body back into his chest. My head tilted back as his exquisite hands traveled up and down the curves of my body. I was lost in the feel of him. I looked up in the mirror and saw his hungry eyes. They were devouring and dangerous. It wasn't my Harry. It was Not Harry. When our eyes locked in recognition he turned my body around facing him. He pressed his body against mine. Then he moved his mouth inches from my ear. My breath hitched. Then he whispered in a low voice in my ear, "I like the dress. Let's take it off."  
Then I immediately pushed him away and said, "Go away!"  
Then I woke up. After that I decided I really could not sleep at all. No more trying sleeping aides or anything to help me not dream. It would not work. Not Harry was out there willing to prey on all of my desires and fears. I had to put a stop to this. I didn't know what I would do the next time I had a dream like that. I might give in. 

**Journal Entry 173**

**Day 5**

I have been avoiding sleep. I've been drinking lots of espressos and I am on edge. I'm starting to snap at my sisters. I am even snapping at Harry. Ugh. I hate this. I hate this Not Harry so much. This is all his fault. Even with all of the caffeine I still find myself drifting and there Not Harry is in all his messed up glory. With his stupid smirk and alluring voice. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. The worst part is when I am dreaming of him even for a little while there is a part of me who wants to just give in. Even though I know he isn't my Harry. I'm so exhausted and I just want to sleep and I just want Harry to be as bold as this Not Harry and for us to just stop being so damn strong all of the time and give in to our feelings. I want the real Harry to look at me like that instead with this displaced guilt in his eyes.

 **Journal Entry** **174**

**Day 6**

Sometimes I forget that I am half demon and it's a bad thing. I've been using my demon powers to save witches and to save us all. I don't really forget that I get it from demon side but I... Just forget that according to the witchy light magical world it's seen as evil. I suppose it's because Harry had helped me accept my demon side. He told me it's not our nature but our choices that define us. It's not the power but what we do with the power that makes us good or bad. I have been using my demon power for good. I've been saving witches. So why can't I use them in the Command Center? Harry told me the Elders had wards on it to protect from demons. When I told him it had those wards to protect from me. He didn't say anything. Did he forget everything he taught me? I know he is on edge because of Not Harry. So maybe he didn't mean anything by it. Still the more we are fighting like this the more I feel like I'm doing this all on my own by using my demon powers. It's so isolating. I'm a witch but I'm also part demon. I've accepted that and I'm embrassing that. Sometimes it feels like my sisters and Harry don't get that. I know they love me and accept me but they can't fully understand me. That was why it was so nice to meet Abagail and I felt such a kindred spirit with her. It was so easy to bond with her. She is a half demon and half witch just like me. Of course her being a friend and ally was a bunch of lies. She's the Demon Overlord. She was behind banding the demons together to kill the witches. So I am back feeling all alone again. It sucks. Apparently, Abagail killed those witches because she thought we killed her demon friends but it was the assassin. It was Not Harry. So we're going to use her help in finding Not Harry. I don't trust her. None of us do. But maybe we can finally get some answers about what Not Harry is doing and why he is after demons and witches.

**Journal Entry 175**

**Day 9**

So I may have gotten answers it doesn't make me any less confused. I'm more confused than ever. And disturbed. And so many other conflicting emotions I can't even dicipher all of them. Ugh. I don't know how to write all of this. How do I put down on paper what happened and how I felt about it? I need to get it out so it doesn't stay in my head festering until I explode. I can't tell my sisters. They wouldn't understand. I was kidnapped by Not Harry. The real Harry and I came up with a safe word so this wouldn't happen. When I asked for the safe word he must have knocked me out. That was the last thing I remembered before I woke up in my bed. I woke up to Harry cooking. It has been such a long time since Harry cooked for us. I missed it but the way he did it was different. When he abaited the question about my sisters I knew it was him, Not Harry. It was terriffying being stuck in this house with this imposter. I knew I had to get out of the situation but revealing to him that I knew it was him would only make things worse so I played along. While I was playing along part of me sunk into this part I was playing. Part of me wanted it to be real. Part of me wanted Harry to cook for only me and pick out a fine wine and put all of his attention on me. Part of me wanted this to be real and wanted to dance with Harry and to just give into this fantasy. I wanted to give into this fantasy of not having to think about anyone else but my own wants and desires. When we danced and our faces were so close together I wanted to give in and kiss him. But I didn't of course. I saw that he wanted me. I saw that he had a desire for me and that was his weakness. I could use that against him. So I enticed him with mention of the red dress . My Harry liked the red dress but Not Harry liked the red dress too. When I teased him I could feel his eagerness for me to wear that particular dress. Me using the allure of that dress really worked in getting away so I could find a way to escape in my room. Once I realized that there wasn't a way out in my room I figured I should put the dress on in case I had to confront him again. When I opened the closet there were only a few dresses in there. My blue sequin dress, the navy blue dress, and my red dress. All dresses that he saw in my dreams. When I was figuring out this was all an illusion that is when he caught me. He had me captured. We were cloaked and he only did that so he could get his chance to seduce me in real life. He revealed to me who he is. He is not some random demon shape shifter. He is a part of Harry. He was pulled out of Harry when they brought him back to life to make Harry a White Lighter. He is a Dark Lighter. When he told me his story I did feel for him. I could sympathize. It was awful what the Elders did to him. They just took parts of the Harry I know and love and discarded it. That angered me. It still did not make this Dark Lighter any less dangerous. He still wanted to capture my sisters and hand them over to his Master. He was still deranged and he was a threat to me and my sisters. So I seduced him and tricked him. I made him believe that I wanted to be with him. I made him think that I had a way for him to be free of his master and for us to be together. We danced. I used his lust for me against him. I pressed my body againat his and I put my hands over his body. Of course it all was a distraction so I could get to the stone that blocked me from using my demon powers. Part of me enjoyed it. Part of me wanted to lean into the act and find out what it felt like to kiss him. But now I knew the truth that he was a part of Harry it made it even more complicated. He wasn't just our enemy. He was a part of Harry. He was a part of the man I love. After I got the upper hand and we fought Harry and Mel showed up. I was so filled with rage as we fought I almost hurt Harry thinking he was the Dark Lighter. He convinced me by using the safe word. After Harry and Mel safely got me out of there Harry returned to face his Dark Lighter. When he finally returned he gave us the news that he had killed his Dark Lighter. I don't know how I feel about that. The Dark Lighter tried to kill us. He captured me and tried to capture my sisters. He was the enemy and we vanquish our enemies. It is what we do. Harry did the right thing but he was a part of Harry. He was a victim who was trying to survive in the only way he knew. I love Harry and he was a part of Harry. He wasn't all bad. I couldn't help but wonder if there was something we could do to bring him to our side. I know that could be nieve. Now we will never know. When he told us the Dark Lighter died Mel was relieved and Maggie came in to greet me. They were happy and relieved I was okay. Harry didn't look at me. When he told us all that it was over because he killed his Dark Lighter he did not look me. He was avoiding my eyes. So I excused myself to my room. My sisters looked at me with sadness and sympathy respecting my need to be alone.

**Journal Entry 175**

**Day 9.5**

Harry went to see me in my room. There were so many times while I was going through something he would go in my room to comfort me. He would invoke his White Lighter wisdom. He would give me a warm smile reassuring me everything was okay. This wasn't one of those talks. Harry wanted to know what his Dark Lighter was like. So I told him, honestly. Everything I said hurt Harry. I did not want to hurt Harry. I hated how broken he looked. I hated that I made him feel this way like he wasn't a whole person. I wanted to reassure him and comfort him this time but this time I didn't know what to say. I wanted to tell him that I loved him. That I fell in love with him before all of this happened but I didn't. It wouldn't give him comfort since he still is so adament about ignoring his feelings. I feel like he was reinforcing that sentiment of pretending that he doesn't have feelings for me because he always does the right thing. The right thing being not giving into feelings. Because apparently these feelings that we have for each other are wrong and need to be pushed away. Since his Dark Lighter was bold and brazen and succumed to his feelings that made his feelings a bad thing. That made me angry. I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to tell him there wasn't anything wrong with our feelings but was I just reeling from my encounter with the Dark Lighter? So I didn't say anything and Harry left. I wish it could be different. I wish I could comfort Harry and make him feel whole. I wish I could kiss him softly on his lips and tell him how much I love him but I can't. I understand why we do not speak of our feelings outloud. I understand how us being together could be too complicated. Now, after the Dark Lighter it is even more complicated. Part of me wishes that he could be just as bold as his Dark Lighter and part of me wishes that I can be just as bold as I was when I was pretending that I wanted to be with the Dark Lighter. Now I can't be bold anymore. I have to go back to pretending that I don't love Harry. That shouldn't be too difficult. I have been pretending all of this time. Maybe we can eventually get passed this and forget about the whole thing. Now that the Dark Lighter is gone maybe it can be over and we can go back to normal. I don't know what normal is but we can get passed this. Right?

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading.


End file.
